Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I Am Yours

I grew up in a small school and an even smaller church.

I liked it that way because it was safe. I knew everyone, and everyone knew me.

They knew that I could play the piano, that I was a leader, and that I was smart. They also knew that I wasn't good at sports and I didn't like being stared at, so they never made me feel uncomfortable. I had blonde hair and blue eyes and I loved writing. I wanted to be a speech language pathologist and my favourite colour was purple. I loved the Jonas Brothers and Hannah Montana. My mom was a teacher, my sister had autism, and my dad was a welder.

That was me, inside and out. I didn't have to prove myself. I had purpose. 

When I was 12, I moved from a church of 100 to a church of 1000.

Culture shock.

Suddenly, I wasn't the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, piano-playing, purple-loving, potential author.

I was one face in a crowd of hundreds. I was one 12 year old girl among ten.

I wasn't the best at playing the piano. And there were a lot of people who were smart.

Nobody cared that I didn't like being stared at, so I started this whole new thing where my face turned ten shades of red every time somebody made eye contact with me. People came to know me as 'that shy girl' or 'Kayla who doesn't talk.'

That wasn't who I used to be. I no longer had purpose.

When I was 14, I moved from a school of under 200, to a school of almost 2000. From a class of 11, to a class of 300.

I wasn't the blonde-haired, blue-eyed, piano-playing, purple-loving, potential author.

I was one face in a crowd of thousands. I was one 14 year old girl among hundreds.

Nobody cared that I had been valedictorian. There were ten more of those. Nobody cared that I loved to write. So did 50 other people. At one point I became known as 'blue sweater girl' because nobody cared about my name. There were six other Kaylas.

Despite my identity struggle, I eventually became known for a few things.

Being a teacher's pet (Embarrassing but true - I actually had more teacher friends than student friends)
Being an overachiever (I went beyond perfectionism)
Being blonde (Not because of my hair colour)
Playing the piccolo (I was the one who had the honour of piercing everyone's ears)
Being friends with Hailey Schwass (the smartest girl in school)

And (to my surprise) for loving God.

I didn't fully realize this until I went back for commencement this past fall. Somehow I ended up with the "Brooklin Village Church Award." I'm not entirely sure how this happened because I had never been a leader in the Christian group and I was never someone who outwardly evangelized in school. I had always tried to demonstrate servant-like qualities, and I tried to spread God's love. I hoped that people would see a difference in me. But I never felt like I had enough confidence to be significant (remember I lost all my 'Kayla-qualities').

Someone must have seen potential in me.

Someone saw my purpose even though I couldn't see it myself.

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me.
(Psalm 108:8)

I had no idea where my life was going when I was in highschool. I mean, I knew what I wanted to do. And I knew in my head that God was taking me somewhere. But my heart often questioned if He had a plan.

Of course He did.

He shone through me when I didn't think that I was making a difference. He was (and is still) fulfilling His purpose. 

Now back to where I started.

All those things that I thought defined me (blonde-haired, blue-eyed, piano-playing, purple-loving, potential author) were really not the important things.

We all have different gifts, each of which came because of the grace God gave us ... Anyone who has the gift of serving should serve. Anyone who has the gift of teaching should teach. Whoever has the gift of encouraging others should encourage. Whoever has the gift of giving to others should give freely. Anyone who has the gift of being a leader should try hard when he leads. Whoever has the gift of showing mercy to others should do so with joy. Your love must be real.
(Romans 12: 6-9a)

I felt so lost when I believed that other people provided me with my purpose. I felt like I didn't have a reason to be here.

We have all been provided with incredible gifts. Gifts that come from God. We need to use God's gifts intentionally. We will find the most joy when we are doing what we were created to do.

That doesn't mean that it's wrong to be good at other things or to love doing other things. But don't let that become who you are. 

You are a person who has been fearfully and wonderfully made. You are chosen (1 Peter 2:9). You are forgiven (Colossians 2:13-14). You are dearly loved (Colossians 3:12). You are a masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). You might have the gift of serving, teaching, encouraging, giving, or leading.

Everything else is simply an extra blessing.

You have a purpose in Christ.
You were created for that purpose.
Your purpose is being fulfilled.
And most importantly...

You belong.


Kayla 


Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell 


My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine 




Sunday, January 26, 2014

The Grace In His Eyes

Grace.

I never really understood the meaning of the word until a couple of months ago. Since then, my life has been changed.

I always knew that grace was an "undeserved blessing." Something that we get even though we aren't worthy.

I knew that God was gracious and merciful (I always got those two meanings mixed up), and that sometimes things happen "by the grace of God."

The word has always been present in my life, but what I didn't know is that it's so much bigger than we can comprehend.

As someone who tries to be perfect at everything, I really struggle with feeling like I'm not good enough. This is a huge battle for me. When I make a mistake, I feel like I let everyone down (including God), and then everything goes downhill. I have a hard time getting back to the level of self-worth that is actually healthy and normal. It all sounds extreme, but that's the reality of what happens in my head and my heart - all because of one mistake.

The truth is, we can't let God down.

I first heard this truth when I went as a leader to a youth retreat. They showed a video where this guy told God that he felt like he lets Him down every day, and God responded "No, my child, you were never holding Me up."

This was the beginning of my journey towards understanding the depth of God's grace.

Grace comes from the Greek word charis, which means "to rejoice." It then eventually came to mean "favour" or "kindness." Some say that this word was especially used when a person of greater importance was relating to a person who was less important.

I find this to be so significant.

Grace means that someone who is 'underserving' is favoured, or shown kindness. An important person rejoices with someone who isn't supposed to be 'special.'

Isn't that the story of our relationship with God?

He showed us love even when we didn't deserve it. He's not just important - He's perfect. Yet He sacrificed something of such value to Himself. All because he loves us. He favours us. He rejoices with us.

So what does this mean?

It means that we can be free.
For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace. (Romans 6:14)

It helps me breathe a little easier to know that.  I am free from the bondage of sin. When I let God be part of my life, I am not controlled by my mistakes. I am controlled by God's love and grace. I will receive blessings. God will rejoice with me.

I am free from my struggle with perfection.
Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God. (2 Corinthians 3:5)
God doesn't require us to be perfect. (Such a wonderful relief!) All He asks is that we accept Him. We need to accept His love and His blessings, and then share that love with other people. We also need to accept the trials that He allows to come our way. We need to trust that He knows what is best.

I am free to be who God made me to be. I don't need to worry about what others think of me.
But by the grace of God, I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. (1 Corinthians 15:10)
We are defined by God's grace. We are defined by His love, His kindness, and His blessings. These are beautiful things to be defined by. Let His love shine through you. Share His blessings.

I don't have to always try to be strong, and I don't have to save everyone.
My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)
God does the saving. He's an expert Healer and the Ultimate Saviour. Saving is His department. We are simply asked to share His grace. And it's okay for us to feel weak because that's the best opportunity for Him to work through us. We share His grace, and He shines. An amazing plan.

There are so many reasons why it is wonderful to be free. And what's even more amazing is that we don't deserve any of this. We aren't perfect. We are sinful. We make mistakes every day. But God chooses to lift us up.

He chooses to offer us undeserved blessings. 

He chooses grace. 

And He won't ever let us down.

Kayla


Algonquin, Ontario 

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
If grace is an ocean, we're all sinking.
And Heaven meets earth like an unforseen kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don't have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about the way
He loves us


Thursday, January 23, 2014

Where The Sun Sets

Thursdays are always the longest for me.

I have to drive an hour away in the morning to go to a class, then drive back for a three-hour night class. It might not seem like a lot, but it gets tiring when you also have three other courses to worry about.

I actually just worry about everything.

Literally.

I wrote a couple days ago about how my worries seem completely unreasonable in comparison to God's perfect plan. He knows what He's doing! The problem is that it's so easy to say those words, and it's not so easy to understand the depth and meaning in them.

Today I was able to see a glimpse of that meaning.

I was on my way to my to class tonight and, after being away for the better part of the day, I was completely drained.  All I could think about was how I was exhausted I was. I was worrying about the many assignments that are piling up and all the readings that I'm not able to finish (yes... I'm that one annoying person who actually does all of their readings), and I was pretty much ready to turn around and go straight home. I just wanted to sleep and forget about the stress.

I came to a stop sign and put my head down for a minute, and when I looked up, I noticed the sky. It was completely filled with colour. Bright pinks, vibrant oranges, and a slight hint of purple.

A love letter from God.

You can do it. I believe in you. I love you. 

It wasn't the most magnificent sunset in the world, and it wasn't the most extravagant display of love.

But it was enough.

It was enough for me to know that I could make it through the rest of the day. And maybe even through the rest of the week, and the semester.

Sometimes the smallest whisper of encouragement is all it takes breathe life and hope into a weary soul. God definitely knew that's what I needed. He always knows what we need.

My dad always used to tell me that every time the sun rises and the sun sets God is reminding us how much He loves us. I completely believe that.

God loves to make us feel loved. 

It's what He does best.

Kayla 






You are praised from where the sun rises to where it sets. - Psalm 65:8b

But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Psalm 86:15




Monday, January 20, 2014

Firm On His Promise I'll Stand

All I ever wanted in life was a sister.

Since the moment that I knew what a sister was, that's all I asked for. So when my mom found out that she was pregnant, I was convinced that it would be a girl. My parents tried to explain to me that I might end up with a brother, but in my two year old mind, there was no doubt it would be a girl.

How happy do you think I was when six days before my third birthday, my sister was born into our world?

I think my dad was just as ecstatic as I was, seeing as he let me out of the house wearing a purple and green tracksuit with white lacy socks and black dress shoes. I’m sure people smiled at the picture the two of us made as we walked down the hospital hallway, on a mission to meet the newest addition to our family. I can honestly say that was the best day of my life. I had great plans for that little girl. She would be my best friend, my companion, my secret keeper. She would be my whole world.

Fast forward three years, and my plan was going exactly the way I wanted it to. I had a playmate, a friend, a partner in crime. A student in my school, a client in my hair salon, a customer in my bakeries. I had someone to talk with at night, someone to sing songs with. Someone to confide in.

I never saw it coming.

I knew what autism was, I mean I had heard the word. It was all over my house. There were books lying around, and internet pages were left open. It was definitely there.

My partner in crime was seven now, and she wasn't anything like the girl who had been my hair model and cookie-taster. She had autism.

All I had ever wanted was a sister who could be my best friend.

Instead, I got a girl who hit and pushed. Who said awkward things and got lost in public places. She was extra work and couldn't be toilet trained and she tired my mom out. People felt uncomfortable around her.

Why did this have to happen to me? I needed someone to talk to. I couldn't talk to my mom because she was always tired, and my dad was always busy. I needed a best-friend-sister. Not an awkward-autism-sister.

I questioned God so much. Everything would just be so much better if you had given me a normal sister. I asked him the same thing so many times. Why?

In grade 10, my mom was diagnosed with depression. And that same year, God gave me my biggest miracle.

A second sister, and my best friend.

See, he knew what I needed all along. He blessed me with the most encouraging and uplifting young woman of God during one of the darkest times in my life. He blessed me with someone who would stand by my side through every battle and who would become part of my family.

He also showed me what a blessing my one and only biological sister is.

That girl is the light of my home. She's the voice of reason, the picture of peace, and the sunshine on a cloudy day. She is the first to laugh, the first to give a compliment, and the first to cry when someone else is in pain. She knows more about animals than anyone else I know, and she sings with more passion than an entire congregation of worshippers. She has a servant's heart, she is honest, and she is a young woman of integrity. She is the only one who understands what it's like to have a mom with depression. She's the only one who can understand how my heart broke when our dog died. She's the only one who knows how horrible my hair looks when I first wake up and still loves me anyways. She is always the first to stand up for me.

She is the best friend anyone could ask for.

The funny thing is the number of times I ask myself, what if? 

What if my sister didn't have autism?
What if my mom didn't have depression?
What if I fail my midterm?
What if I don't make it through university?
What if someone crashes into my car tomorrow?

It looks ridiculous when I type those things out.

God knew the second my sister was conceived that she would have autism. Actually, let me rephrase that. He knew before the world was formed that one day a girl would be born into the Peel family and she would have autism. He also had this amazing plan to bless me with a second sister who would would come into my world during high school and stick with me through the worst years of my life. He had a plan to make her an addition to my family. He designed us both so we would be able to make up for each other's weaknesses and encourage each other to grow closer to Him. He always has a plan.

Why do we question that plan when He's got it all covered?
Why do we worry about tomorrow when He's holding time in his hands?

The truth is that He always knows where He's taking us, but we don't always know where we're going.

That's the whole reason why we need Him.

To direct us. To protect us. To be our anchor in the reckless ocean that is our world. To love us. To be our peace. 

So no more what if's. 

He has this all under control.

Kayla

My Precious Biological Sister

My Miracle Sister 

If I climb to the sky, you're there!
   If I go underground, you're there!
If I flew on morning's wings to the far western horizon,
   You'd find me in a minute -
you're already there waiting!
...
You know me inside and out,
   you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
   how I was sculpted from nothing into something
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
   all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
   before I'd even lived one day.

Psalm 139: 8-10, 13-16















Sunday, January 19, 2014

To All You Girls Out There

Maybe it's just me, but I used to wonder if I would ever be good enough for anyone. 

It's so easy to say that our worth is found in God, or that beauty isn't defined by the world's standards. But we all know it's hard to believe that. We have bad days, we compare ourselves, and we feel worthless (and maybe even a bit jealous) when our best friend gets more compliments than we do. We wonder when a guy will notice us for once - or if he even will. 

I admit that I still have those days. Days of complete insecurity that make me want to hide under my bed sheets and never come out. 

So after having many conversations today about relationships and emotions and not feeling good enough, I thought I would post something that has helped me over the years.

First, it's important to remember that your identity is not formed by the number of likes you get on your profile picture, or by your average in school, or even by your number of friends. Your identity exists because you have an amazing Creator who died for you. Your identity is formed by God's grace and forgiveness. You are fearfully and wonderfully made.

Second, to all you girls out there. You don't need a boyfriend to make you feel special. Especially in high school. The truth is that most guys aren't ready to commit to a girl when they're in high school. Trust me, it's true. When I graduated grade 12, there was only one couple (out of hundreds) who had lasted the whole way. So there are wonderful guys out there who have the right intentions, but it's rare. The point is: you are beautiful.  You don't need a guy to confirm that. And this brings me to the most important part!

Godly men are what we need to be waiting on. Not boys. Men.

I met the most wonderful guy the other day, and I could seriously just see God shining through him. How amazing is that? I have never met anyone so inspiring in my life. I talked to him for all of five minutes, and I just felt so uplifted for the rest of the day. Warmth and love poured out of his heart. That is what I want my future husband to be like.

I used to get a magazine for girls called Brio, and one of them had this sort of 'checklist' in it which has been so helpful to me. It lists some of the fundamental things (no compromises!) that your Prince Charming needs to possess. (Credit to: Tiffany Silverberg)

1. Proof of godliness
The Holy Spirit needs to reside in his heart, and there needs to be evidence of this in his life.
Galatians 5:22-23 lists the fruits of the Spirit (Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self-control). These are the traits that should be clearly pouring out of him.

2. Respectability 
Be aware of how other view him. Friends, teachers, parents, siblings. What do they say about his character? How does he treat his family? Does he serve willingly? Colossians 3:23 says that in whatever we do we should work at it with all of our hearts. We should work as though we are working for the Lord, not for people. A man of God will have a servant's heart. He will exhibit selflessness, and he will have an admirable work ethic. He will be respected for his character.

3. Integrity 
Sometimes it's hard to tell what someone is like beneath their exterior. Watch closely to see how he treats others. Does he do things only so that others will approve? Or does he display honesty, compassion, and humility no matter what the situation is? What are his values? 1 Timothy 3 describes that a godly man will display self-control, wisdom, gentleness, and that he will not be quarrelsome. You want someone who will be trustworthy and honourable when things get tough.

4. A Nice Match
You don't have to have all the same interests, but you should make a good team. Do his strengths make up for your weaknesses? Do your strengths make up for his weaknesses? Are you a stronger force together compared to as individuals? Be aware of these things from the beginning.

5. Charming (Of course!)
It may seem like such an obvious thing, but do you find him attractive? He should exhibit characteristics (physical and personality) that you admire. You should be proud to tell others about him, and you should feel honoured to be associated with such an incredible man of God. This is also important because a man needs to feel respected and admired. If you feel blessed to be with him, he will be blessed in turn by your admiration. (Be sure to seek advice from godly women if you ever wonder if you could do better!)

6. Encouraging 
Friendship should always be at the base. Proverbs 17:17 says that " A friend loves at all times." Eventually the 'hormonal high' will disappear, and the butterflies will become less frequent, so when a relationship is based on friendship (and of course when God is at the centre!) there will always be encouragement and love. There is nothing better than being married to your best friend.


I guess the point that I want to get across is that these wonderful, godly, supportive guys are out there. We struggle so much with self-image that we forget to value ourselves and we give up hope that we will ever find someone who is right for us. God does have a plan. In fact, His plan is better than we can ever imagine (Ephesians 3:20). Think of the most amazing guy out there right now. God has someone for you who is even better than that. Such an exciting thought!

But before he brings that guy to you, you need to value yourself.

You need to be able to look in the mirror and think "I am beautiful."
You need to walk with a confidence that comes from God alone.
You need to radiate with His love.

Because that is the most beautiful thing.

Kayla 


Photo Credit: Katie Cottrell

Saturday, January 18, 2014

A Time To Love

It all started with a picture that I shared on Facebook which unintentionally created a debate between a bunch of my friends. I hadn't talked to one of these friends in years. He was my best friend in elementary school.

He ended up being on the 'wrong' side of this debate - wrong in the sense that nobody else agreed with him, including myself.

Anyways, I'm not here to write about Facebook debates. While this whole situation was taking place (between him and many of my other friends), I decided to text him to see how he was doing. Aside from the heated argument.

We hadn't had a conversation in years. He told me that he has changed a lot since grade eight and that he doesn't like the person who he is now - that I wouldn't like the person who he is now.

The thing is, he is different. And everyone was so mad at him for being different. He held strong to his opinion and he was hated for it.

But you know what? We're all different. We all change. We all have experiences that lead us to have opinions, and none of our experiences or opinions will be the same as anyone else's.

What is the same is how words make us feel.

Sure, he disagreed with everyone else. And yes, his opinion does not line up with God's word. However, using harsh words to get our points across does not line up with God's word either. (When is that ever effective anyway?)

God calls us to love. Everyone. Unconditionally.

When we carry on arguments, we are completely disregarding God's firm instruction to love.
Love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
Love your neighbour as yourself. (Matthew 22:38)
The greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:13)
He also calls us to flee from controversies (2 Timothy 2:24) and to be kind, patient, and gentle (25).

This whole day just got me thinking about how we all change. We had our whole lives ahead of us in grade eight, and it was almost as though we were in a sheltered world. Before highschool. Before university. Before we were exposed to so many things that we would have no idea how to handle.

I never would have imagined in grade eight that life would offer so many battles. Broken hearts. Depression. Addiction. I never would have imagined that I would be here today talking to my childhood best friend about his struggles, and watching as my current friends harshly respond to his opinions instead of loving him for who he is.

Right now is a season of change. And I am going to use every opportunity that I have to love those around me. I want people to see a difference in me - I want them to see God in me. I want to be His hands and feet. Because God is love. 

And He is the reason that I am here.

Kayla


For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1


Friday, January 17, 2014

In Any and Every Situation

I was originally going to title this 'All the Reasons Why It's Hard to Have a Mom with Depression.'

My mom has been struggling with depression and burnout for the past five years. The first three years were the worst because she spent the better part of those years in hospitals and rehab. The past two years have been much better. Until now.

Yesterday wasn't the greatest.

The thing is, nobody talks about it. It's just this overhanging feeling of darkness that creeps in every once in a while and results in my mom locking herself in her room for days. She might come out once or twice, but she mostly just stays inside her world of exhaustion and dark solitude. It's not a peaceful kind of quiet.

Depression is a battle, no doubt. But I often think that it's even more challenging as someone who loves God. We're called to have joy. We're called to put our faith in our Healer. We're called to be a living example of His love. So how do you handle it when darkness overcomes you before you can realize what's happening? There are so many expectations of you, and depression makes it extra hard to meet those standards. I'm sure that people have judged my mom, saying that she should just 'get a grip' and follow God more wholeheartedly. Little do they know that my mom is a walking example of God's love. God has simply allowed a different trial to be sent her way than most of us experience.

I keep thinking that the trial is going to be over soon. Actually, I keep thinking the trial has finished. And then it comes back. I think we're all supposed to be developing perseverance, but I haven't been feeling much of that.

It doesn't just affect her. It affects everyone around her. It's like the darkness sweeps over our entire home. But why? God is supposed to get rid of all of that, right?

This is why it's hard.

It's hard because it makes you give up hope. You stop hoping that things will get better, because they never do.
It's hard because it means you don't have a mom to talk to about things. It gets really lonely.
It's hard because it makes you feel like it's your fault. Why did I do to make her depressed?
It's hard because it affects your dad too, and your sister (who has autism). And you feel like you need to hold everyone up.
It's hard because nobody understands. People really just don't know how to respond.

The reason I didn't go with my original title is because God reminded me (thankfully!) that there are blessings in every situation.

I have realized that I need to cling to hope. God gives us hope. Jesus is our Hope. He is our Healer. He is our Saviour. God has saved my mom more times than I can count. He has also saved me, and everyone around me. He has healed my family. I have a hope and an amazing future ahead of me, and this situation has made that abundantly clear.

I have realized that nobody is more reliable than God. He never leaves, He never fails, and He never gets tired. He's the One who I need to rely on.

I have realized that although I am not perfect, I am not always to blame. Everyone struggles. Everyone needs saving (this has become a theme!). And this brings me to my next point...

I have realized that I don't need to save everyone. That's not my job, and it's not my responsibility. That's why we have... a Saviour. That's why He came to earth! To save.  He is in control. Not me!

Finally, I have realized that there is someone who understands everything. Jesus experienced betrayal by His closest friends, so He definitely understands loneliness. He understands what my mom is going through. He understands what it feels like to have a family that is falling apart. He understands. And even more than that - He knows how to respond.
I will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6)
Give all your worries to Me. (Psalm 55:22)
I care for you. (1 Peter 5:7)
He has it all under control.

Come Thou Fount is one of my favourite hymns. Verses 1 and 4 seem to especially apply to my life.
Verse 1 talks about fountains of blessing, and God's mercy and redeeming love.

My heart longs for His blessings, even if those come in the form of trials. But, my heart will also always wander. Since I fail God every day I will have moments of weakness where I don't long for His blessings.

Verse 4 sings of God's grace. I am beyond thankful for His grace.

He has blessed me abundantly, and even in the midst of trials my wandering heart will be forever thankful.

Kayla

Grand Canyon, Nevada 


Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise the mount, I'm fixed upon it,
Mount of Thy redeeming love.

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here's my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.